I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
where am i from again
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
