My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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