You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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