I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
