I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
