I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When did angry sex become our thing?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
