somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
