he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
