i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
