quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
