I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
