"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
