Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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