I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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