I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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