I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I understand Curling. That high.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
