Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
