My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
