Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
