Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
