You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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