yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
