To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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