Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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