omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize