I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
