If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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