so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
