Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
