last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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