The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
