I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
