When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
