Michael Bay diarrhea
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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