he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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