Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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