I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
