Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
