My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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