i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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