I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize