i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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