John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I want to be your penis for a week.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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