I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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