Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
