I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
whose parrot is this?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
