So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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