I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
