I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
