grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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