My Higher Power is John Stamos
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
