Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
