There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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